Please fix these comments and then I will continue looking over the rest of the essay. Please email me or let me know when you have these changes made so I know to continue. Your final draft will be due Thursday of this week, so make sure to fix these comments soon. If you have questions, please ask me, and I can help you work on your revisions during study hall or before/after school.
"Dawg, no, you can't ram the Supreme Fighter !" screamed Rose as I told her about my plan to stop Armytopia. "I have to!" I told her. I turned on the the super thrusters and I rammed the fighter's engine. BOOM! That was a sign that my ship blew up and I was headed for a different planet. Then I heard a bigger explosion, that was a sign that the supreme fighter had blown up. Little did I know, I'd see Rose again, along with the supreme fighter.
Ohhh, I groaned as I walked off the pain of the crash. I looked around and knew I was on planet 264, Also known as Earth. On a section the Earthlings call "Florida". Thirty-Two years away from my planet. I was in for a long wait.
Hartford, SD. [18 months till invasion] 31 years later
"Hi Dawg." Said Joey.
"Sup Joey." I said. Joey and I have been friends for 27 years.
"So hows the new job?" he asked.
"Oh you know, shooting bears and cougars, but I miss the army." I said.
"Yah, we were a lethal army of two. We made complete havoc!" said Joey.
"We also made some pretty frightening corpses on the battlefield ." I said.
"I felt pretty somber when we had to leave." said Joey.
"Yah", I said, "Hey you wanna go on our monthly trip from Hartford to Florida? " "SURE!"replied Joey. "Hey can my new Girlfriend Madeline come too?" he asked. "Why?" I asked.
Because she's Purrty." he said. "Fine, .But she better not ruin my beach house."I said. "don't worry" ,he said, "she'll only break a window or two." my next reply was a bad one. "she can come if you really want her to." I said. "GREAT!" he screamed. "This'll be the best trip ever!" little did anyone know this was going to be a horrible trip.
CHAPTER 2 [Mid-America] {18 months until invasion]
"have I ever mentioned I love this jet?" asked Joey when we were halve way to florida. "Yes Joey about a thousand times." Said Madeline. "well I LOOOVVVVEEE THIS JET!" he screamed, "And your just going to love this beach house,Madeline it's got that weird alien feel that you love." Joey wasn't kidding bout her being pretty. she had eyes a golden yellow color. She had hair as black as the night, and an athletic look to her that made me think about a female wresler. And when she spoke it was like a thousand mockingbirds singing in harmony.Little did I know that she would be like my fvorite dream to my worst nightmare.
Chapter 3 [Florida] {17 months until invasion} 3:15 a.m. Thursday
"Finally," said joey as he got off the jet. I yawned and said, "Hey guys I'm going to hit the hay, okay?" "Yah sure thing," Said Madeline in her paralyzing voice. I crawled inside my beach house and under the covers, then had a weird dream, I was running from Madeline. when she caught up she exploded. Joey appeared after that. He was in an electrified lake, slowly getting fried. Then I saw Rose standing there reaching for me. She was falling. I called her name but my voice wasn't working. Then I saw a person I would never want to see, it was Leo, king of Armytopia. he was holding an axe and I saw me, tied and forced to my knees, he swung the axe and I screamed. I awoke, screaming my head off. Joey and Madeline were watching me. "Are you all right?" Asked Joey. "We heard you screaming all the way from outside, saying a girls name.Who's Rose?" "She . . . she was an old friend I had at my old home". I said. "Oh,well, if your done screaming , I'm going to bed,"said Joey. "Okay." I said. As he left Madeline stood there watching me. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Assessing the data I need to kill you," She answered. "WHAT!" I screamed. "I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully," She replied. Then she pulled out a long, curved dagger. "Oh.My.God!" I yelled. Then I sprung up and ninja kicked her in the face. "OW!" she said. "Why are you going to kill me! I demanded. "3 reasons," she said. "First, I'm getting paid. Second, I am Determined to avenge the Supreme Fighter. And third, YOU KICKED ME!" She said. "Oh man," I said. I jumped out my window screaming. Now I'm 5 times faster than an average human, so Madeline must have been genetically engineered or something because she caught up with me pretty fast. Then I jumped, Which I can jump 50 times higher than a Dolphin so I landed on a pretty tall building. I thought I was safe, until she scaled the wall. So I ran into the buildings skylight. She followed me, bad move. Why? You ask because it was the army's claymore factory. So now all I had to was find a way to get a claymore to explode the big column and the building will crash right on her. it'll crash on me too but I can withhold the crash, it's the explosion that'll really hurt me.As soon as she landed I grabbed a Claymore and threw it at her. She hit it away, but not fast enough for it not to sense her hand. And it exploded as soon as it hit the column. "You Idiot!" screamed Madeline. the building crashed, but not soon enough for her not to throw her knife at me. It hit my right side of my upper torso, it was pretty deep and hurt like a train would hurt a human. Then the building fell on us and exploded.
"Dawg, Dawg!" Screamed Joey. I groaned but didn't awake. DAWG! demanded Joey. I still didn't wake up so what did Joey do? Slapped me, hard. "I'M AWAKE!" I yelled. "Do you always have to slap me?" Joey then said. "No but I like to." How did you find me?" I asked."The fire station was putting out the fire and they found you and Madeline. I visited Madeline and. . . She didn't Make it." He started to cry. "Joey I'm so sorry," I lied. "It's okay," he said. "I'm sure you didn't start the fire." Okay, now I was starting to feel guilty. Joey started to leave. "Oh and Dawg," said Joey. "Yah." I asked. "DIE!" He pulled out the knife that punctured my body and took a stab at me. Luckily I'm fast or I would have taken a stab to the heart instead of my hand. I then punched him, in the face. As hard as I could. And I say I got a home run cause as soon as he landed I heard his spine crack. I got out of bed and walked after him. when I reached him his face was messed up. His teeth were either broken or had fallen out. his nose was misshapen. and his left eye was swollen so much that I almost forgot he was born with an eye and not a small hill. I grabbed him and headed towards my beach house.
Chapter 5 [Florida] {17months till invasion} 8:00 p.m., Friday.
When I got to my beach house I strapped Joey into a battery and found the closest lake. "Oh . . . peas."said joey. I think he said "no please" but I couldn't tell through his broken teeth. So I through him into the lake and saw sparks fly. "Whoa."I said as joey was getting fried.when I decided Joey was dead (along with a lot of fish) I decide to go back to Hartford. when I got there I saw Madeline's car. it was a 720 cruiser."Awesome." I said.I got in it. luckily she kept the keys in it so I started to fly. She had an Armtopian vehicle. So it can go 31 times faster than an Awesomesauceian cruiser. "I'll be home in a year." I said and I took off for home.
"I'm finally here!" I said when I got off the ship. But what I saw was NOT my blissful old home. It was a sick and twisted version made by armytopia. "NO!!!" I yelled. I slammed my hand on a wall so hard it crumbled to dust. STOP! Intruder. yelled an unfamiliar voice. I turned around and saw an Armytopian guard running after me. He obviously never dealt with my Awesomesauceian army class [which is the highest]. When he reached me I kneed him in the gut and kicked him over 1,000 football fields away. I turned around and saw a girl running up to me. "Dawg!" she yelled as soon as she caught up with me she hugged me. I hugged her back since I know what Armytopia does to people they capture. then I saw her hair color, Red, There was only one awesomesaucian with red hair. It was Rose.
Dawg's fight for home
Adam,
Please fix these comments and then I will continue looking over the rest of the essay. Please email me or let me know when you have these changes made so I know to continue. Your final draft will be due Thursday of this week, so make sure to fix these comments soon. If you have questions, please ask me, and I can help you work on your revisions during study hall or before/after school.
"Dawg, no, you can't ram the Supreme Fighter !" screamed Rose as I told her about my plan to stop Armytopia. "I have to!" I told her. I turned on the the super thrusters and I rammed the fighter's engine. BOOM! That was a sign that my ship blew up and I was headed for a different planet. Then I heard a bigger explosion, that was a sign that the supreme fighter had blown up. Little did I know, I'd see Rose again, along with the supreme fighter.
Ohhh, I groaned as I walked off the pain of the crash. I looked around and knew I was on planet 264, Also known as Earth. On a section the Earthlings call "Florida". Thirty-Two years away from my planet. I was in for a long wait.
Hartford, SD. [18 months till invasion] 31 years later
"Hi Dawg." Said Joey.
"Sup Joey." I said. Joey and I have been friends for 27 years.
"So hows the new job?" he asked.
"Oh you know, shooting bears and cougars, but I miss the army." I said.
"Yah, we were a lethal army of two. We made complete havoc!" said Joey.
"We also made some pretty frightening corpses on the battlefield ." I said.
"I felt pretty somber when we had to leave." said Joey.
"Yah", I said, "Hey you wanna go on our monthly trip from Hartford to Florida? " "SURE!"replied Joey. "Hey can my new Girlfriend Madeline come too?" he asked. "Why?" I asked.
Because she's Purrty." he said. "Fine, .But she better not ruin my beach house."I said. "don't worry" ,he said, "she'll only break a window or two." my next reply was a bad one. "she can come if you really want her to." I said. "GREAT!" he screamed. "This'll be the best trip ever!" little did anyone know this was going to be a horrible trip.
CHAPTER 2 [Mid-America] {18 months until invasion]
"have I ever mentioned I love this jet?" asked Joey when we were halve way to florida. "Yes Joey about a thousand times." Said Madeline. "well I LOOOVVVVEEE THIS JET!" he screamed, "And your just going to love this beach house,Madeline it's got that weird alien feel that you love." Joey wasn't kidding bout her being pretty. she had eyes a golden yellow color. She had hair as black as the night, and an athletic look to her that made me think about a female wresler. And when she spoke it was like a thousand mockingbirds singing in harmony.Little did I know that she would be like my fvorite dream to my worst nightmare.
Chapter 3 [Florida] {17 months until invasion} 3:15 a.m. Thursday
"Finally," said joey as he got off the jet. I yawned and said, "Hey guys I'm going to hit the hay, okay?" "Yah sure thing," Said Madeline in her paralyzing voice. I crawled inside my beach house and under the covers, then had a weird dream, I was running from Madeline. when she caught up she exploded. Joey appeared after that. He was in an electrified lake, slowly getting fried. Then I saw Rose standing there reaching for me. She was falling. I called her name but my voice wasn't working. Then I saw a person I would never want to see, it was Leo, king of Armytopia. he was holding an axe and I saw me, tied and forced to my knees, he swung the axe and I screamed. I awoke, screaming my head off. Joey and Madeline were watching me. "Are you all right?" Asked Joey. "We heard you screaming all the way from outside, saying a girls name.Who's Rose?" "She . . . she was an old friend I had at my old home". I said. "Oh,well, if your done screaming , I'm going to bed,"said Joey. "Okay." I said. As he left Madeline stood there watching me. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Assessing the data I need to kill you," She answered. "WHAT!" I screamed. "I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully," She replied. Then she pulled out a long, curved dagger. "Oh.My.God!" I yelled. Then I sprung up and ninja kicked her in the face. "OW!" she said. "Why are you going to kill me! I demanded. "3 reasons," she said. "First, I'm getting paid. Second, I am Determined to avenge the Supreme Fighter. And third, YOU KICKED ME!" She said. "Oh man," I said. I jumped out my window screaming. Now I'm 5 times faster than an average human, so Madeline must have been genetically engineered or something because she caught up with me pretty fast. Then I jumped, Which I can jump 50 times higher than a Dolphin so I landed on a pretty tall building. I thought I was safe, until she scaled the wall. So I ran into the buildings skylight. She followed me, bad move. Why? You ask because it was the army's claymore factory. So now all I had to was find a way to get a claymore to explode the big column and the building will crash right on her. it'll crash on me too but I can withhold the crash, it's the explosion that'll really hurt me.As soon as she landed I grabbed a Claymore and threw it at her. She hit it away, but not fast enough for it not to sense her hand. And it exploded as soon as it hit the column. "You Idiot!" screamed Madeline. the building crashed, but not soon enough for her not to throw her knife at me. It hit my right side of my upper torso, it was pretty deep and hurt like a train would hurt a human. Then the building fell on us and exploded.
Chapter 4 [still Florida] {17 months till invasion} 7:48 a.m., Friday
"Dawg, Dawg!" Screamed Joey. I groaned but didn't awake. DAWG! demanded Joey. I still didn't wake up so what did Joey do? Slapped me, hard. "I'M AWAKE!" I yelled. "Do you always have to slap me?" Joey then said. "No but I like to." How did you find me?" I asked."The fire station was putting out the fire and they found you and Madeline. I visited Madeline and. . . She didn't Make it." He started to cry. "Joey I'm so sorry," I lied. "It's okay," he said. "I'm sure you didn't start the fire." Okay, now I was starting to feel guilty. Joey started to leave. "Oh and Dawg," said Joey. "Yah." I asked. "DIE!" He pulled out the knife that punctured my body and took a stab at me. Luckily I'm fast or I would have taken a stab to the heart instead of my hand. I then punched him, in the face. As hard as I could. And I say I got a home run cause as soon as he landed I heard his spine crack. I got out of bed and walked after him. when I reached him his face was messed up. His teeth were either broken or had fallen out. his nose was misshapen. and his left eye was swollen so much that I almost forgot he was born with an eye and not a small hill. I grabbed him and headed towards my beach house.
Chapter 5 [Florida] {17months till invasion} 8:00 p.m., Friday.
When I got to my beach house I strapped Joey into a battery and found the closest lake. "Oh . . . peas."said joey. I think he said "no please" but I couldn't tell through his broken teeth. So I through him into the lake and saw sparks fly. "Whoa."I said as joey was getting fried.when I decided Joey was dead (along with a lot of fish) I decide to go back to Hartford. when I got there I saw Madeline's car. it was a 720 cruiser."Awesome." I said.I got in it. luckily she kept the keys in it so I started to fly. She had an Armtopian vehicle. So it can go 31 times faster than an Awesomesauceian cruiser. "I'll be home in a year." I said and I took off for home.
Chapter 6 [planet Awesomesauce] {5 months till invasion} 12:00 p.m., Sunday.
"I'm finally here!" I said when I got off the ship. But what I saw was NOT my blissful old home. It was a sick and twisted version made by armytopia. "NO!!!" I yelled. I slammed my hand on a wall so hard it crumbled to dust. STOP! Intruder. yelled an unfamiliar voice. I turned around and saw an Armytopian guard running after me. He obviously never dealt with my Awesomesauceian army class [which is the highest]. When he reached me I kneed him in the gut and kicked him over 1,000 football fields away. I turned around and saw a girl running up to me. "Dawg!" she yelled as soon as she caught up with me she hugged me. I hugged her back since I know what Armytopia does to people they capture. then I saw her hair color, Red, There was only one awesomesaucian with red hair. It was Rose.
TO BE CONTINUED